Two years ago today I was getting ready to head to the hospital to say goodbye to my baby for good. It was less than two days since I had heard the words “honey, we can’t find the heartbeat” and “let’s try the other ultrasound machine” and “I’m so sorry – let’s talk about your options.” My previous appointment went well and although I always tried to prepare myself for the possibility that something could go wrong it didn’t really. I told myself about others that I knew who had suffered a loss and how common it seems to be. I think I was trying to protect my heart just in case.
When I got to the hospital I was asked a gazillion times why I was there. Everyone made me tell them over and over so that they knew that I understood what was happening. So that they knew I understood that my baby didn’t make it and that shortly I would no longer be pregnant. The only person that didn’t make me tell them was my doctor who came in to talk to me before they gave me anesthesia. She did ask me if I wanted to talk and reassured me that there was not a chance this was a mistake; that there was definitely no heartbeat and she gave me a hug. At least she didn’t make me tell her that I was there so that they could take what remained of my blessing away from my body. The one that I wasn’t able to grow and nurture. I was only 10wks 4days pregnant but it didn’t mean that I loved the child any less than if I was further along. On the ultrasound a day and a half before my baby measured 7wks 2days so that is when everything stopped. Since heartbeats usually start in pregnancies during week 5 and are typically visible during week 6 it means this one was probably only beating for about a week.
When I came home from the hospital and for the next couple days I received some very sweet cards, some flowers, some literature on angel babies and loss for “when I was ready for them.” I was blessed to receive some kind support and some beautiful cards but one stood out from the rest. It’s not that when I was opening my mail I expected it to be like the others but this one was a sympathy card. I knew immediately that this person had suffered a loss. We ended up talking about it via email later on and she was one of the ones who knew just what to say.
My last ultrasound taken at that appointment sits on my dresser in a cream-colored frame that reads I have you in my heart.
To my lost little one: I so want you to know that I do have you in my heart. I see a reminder of you every single morning when I wake up and I think of you often. I imagine you as some angel for someone who desperately needed you even though you were an answered prayer for me. Today, two years later, I still think of you and that is because I always will. Even though it was early and you were teeny tiny trying to grow strong you were loved and always will be. Thank you for being a part of me because even though losing you brought pain to me the love that blossomed in my heart the day I knew you were there will bring me joy forever. And I could never thank you enough for that.
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For those that don’t know October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. The next time October 15th rolls around light a candle in honor of those gone too soon. If you have lost a little one that I’m sure you are already aware of this. If you know someone who has suffered a loss send them a hug on this day.
Gosh you have such a way with words you gave me the chills and made me cry. My sister suffered a similar loss but her baby was almost 7 months old. It was such a difficult time for all of us as I know you understand. Like you she has a photo of her daughter so she never forgets her. I didn’t know about October 15th and I don’t think my sister knows either. I will be sure to tell her.
Thank you for sharing this.
LizAnn
I’m so sorry that your sister lost her baby. How very sad. Did she find out at some point during the pregnancy that it would happen because something was wrong or was it a total shock? You’re welcome for sharing. This is one of many sites that talks about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: http://www.october15th.com/
Also thought I’d throw in this link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pregnancy_and_Infant_Loss_Remembrance_Day
I’m struggling with the right words here. But I’m proud of you for facing such a difficult time with love instead of despair, and for keeping your angel so close to your heart. As always you’re an inspiration.
Thank you! An inspiration?!? So kind of you to say.
I am so sad right now. Tears. I am so sorry. I wish you strength.
I didn’t mean to make anyone sad! 😦 I appreciate your thoughts and sending strength! Thank you so much, Rose.
So many of my friends have recently suffered through this loss (3, actually). I am trying to be there as best as possible but it’s hard to know how to say the right things. Thank you for sharing this story. I’m glad there has been some positive outcomes for you because of this. Sending you (and others) continued strength to get through tough times like these.
Hi Tracy! So sorry that many of your friends have suffered a loss like this. I’m sure you being there to listen to them brings them the most comfort. Thanks for taking the time to comment and sending strength to all of those who have been in this position.
This post reminds me of my 5 little angels, 4 before monkey boy and 1 after. My losses were all really early, 2 before I knew I was pregnant. I thought I was having a late period until I passed the grey sack. I think my longest pregnancy (besides Robbie of course) was 7 weeks. Losing a much wanted baby is so hard.
Big hugs to you!
Margaret – that is much too much heartache for one person. I’m so sorry for your losses. Sending big hugs right back to you!
I don’t know how I missed this yesterday… I wish I had checked your site earlier! I pray you’ll be filled with great comfort, peace and joy as you remember your little angel. ♥ With much love, Michelle
Thank you so much, Michelle!
This post really hit me. I had the same thing happen. I already had two boys and felt that this child might have been a girl. When we didn’t hear the heartbeat I was devastated but luckily got pregnant again very easily and had my darling, youngest son. I realized how much I love my children regardless of if they’re a boy or a girl! It was an amazing message I received.
Another interesting part of this story. It’s kind of strange but bear with me. My ex-brother in law got in touch soon after because his mother had been to a psychic. We hadn’t spoken in years. The psychic said that someone in the family had a miscarriage and to tell her (me) that the baby had wasn’t ready yet and would be back again within the year. I don’t really know whether there is any truth in this, it did comfort me and I felt that my 3rd son was ready when I got pregnant.
Wow, Betsy. That is interesting. It would bring me comfort too! I’m so sorry you had a loss as well. It happens too much. I felt that mine was a girl as well. Thank you for sharing your angel with us.
Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. I’m sorry you lost a member of your family and thankful for the hope of heaven…
Miscarriage and child loss have been on my mind a lot lately. I’m working on a short series to help people who know someone who is grieving. I’d love to get your input.
🙂 m
Thank you, Michelle. I’d be happy to talk to you about it at anytime.
I grieve for you, as I have been through it twice myself. I am thankful for the promises of heaven, that we will meet our sweet little ones on that day!
Found you through GatherInspirit. So glad you could join us.
I’m so sorry for your losses, Cherie. Thanks for taking the time to visit and comment – I hope you’ll be back!
Wow! Thanks for sharing your story. I haven’t been through anything like that and hope I never have to. But your story, will provide many with strength in a time when they are feeling loss. You have moved on with your life, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t remember the heart ache you felt. Thank you for owning it and sharing!
Much Love,
Your long lost sister!
Jessica
Walking the Land
http://jessicanfamily.blogspot.com
Thank you, Jessica! Hugs!
Oh darlin’. ((((many hugs))))) to you. What a terrible thing for any mama to have to go through. You shared your feelings so beautifully – you certainly touched my heart, and will touch many others as well. I’m sorry you had to go through such an experience.
Thank you, Julie. You are sweet – I appreciate your thoughts and taking the time to comment.
Your story was beautiful and inspirational. I know you will have the chance to raise this little one again. Love your attitude and spirituality.
Thank you, DeEtta! That means a lot to me!
It must have been an awful time for you. Sorry for your loss.
We are trying for our third child at the moment and I can’t imagine anything harder than loosing a baby.
Thank you, Hayley. Wishing you the very best on your journey for #3!
I can’t believe I just came across this post. I was just thinking about blogging on this topic. Several friends and I were in a coffee shop a few weeks ago and the subject of miscarriage and pregnancy loss came up. Everyone at the table had a story. Some told about their own experience and some told about friends and relatives. These are people I see all the time, but I had no idea how this had touched their lives. Thanks for sharing your story.
Hi Adee! Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment. It is so sad how many have encountered a loss or know someone who has. I’ll be checking out your blog and will look for your post on this.
Wow, you gave me goosebumps. Thank you for bravely sharing your story. May our angel babies forever watch over us and know how much they are loved and missed.
Thanks for taking the time to read it, Lori! You are always so supportive!