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Two years ago today I was getting ready to head to the hospital to say goodbye to my baby for good. It was less than two days since I had heard the words “honey, we can’t find the heartbeat” and “let’s try the other ultrasound machine” and “I’m so sorry – let’s talk about your options.” My previous appointment went well and although I always tried to prepare myself for the possibility that something could go wrong it didn’t really. I told myself about others that I knew who had suffered a loss and how common it seems to be. I think I was trying to protect my heart just in case.

When I got to the hospital I was asked a gazillion times why I was there. Everyone made me tell them over and over so that they knew that I understood what was happening. So that they knew I understood that my baby didn’t make it and that shortly I would no longer be pregnant. The only person that didn’t make me tell them was my doctor who came in to talk to me before they gave me anesthesia. She did ask me if I wanted to talk and reassured me that there was not a chance this was a mistake; that there was definitely no heartbeat and she gave me a hug.  At least she didn’t make me tell her that I was there so that they could take what remained of my blessing away from my body. The one that I wasn’t able to grow and nurture. I was only 10wks 4days pregnant but it didn’t mean that I loved the child any less than if I was further along. On the ultrasound a day and a half before my baby measured 7wks 2days so that is when everything stopped. Since heartbeats usually start in pregnancies during week 5 and are typically visible during week 6 it means this one was probably only beating for about a week.

When I came home from the hospital and for the next couple days I received some very sweet cards, some flowers, some literature on angel babies and loss for “when I was ready for them.” I was blessed to receive some kind support and some beautiful cards but one stood out from the rest. It’s not that when I was opening my mail I expected it to be like the others but this one was a sympathy card. I knew immediately that this person had suffered a loss. We ended up talking about it via email later on and she was one of the ones who knew just what to say.

My last ultrasound taken at that appointment sits on my dresser in a cream-colored frame that reads I have you in my heart.

To my lost little one: I so want you to know that I do have you in my heart. I see a reminder of you every single morning when I wake up and I think of you often. I imagine you as some angel for someone who desperately needed you even though you were an answered prayer for me. Today, two years later, I still think of you and that is because I always will. Even though it was early and you were teeny tiny trying to grow strong you were loved and always will be. Thank you for being a part of me because even though losing you brought pain to me the love that blossomed in my heart the day I knew you were there will bring me joy forever. And I could never thank you enough for that.

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For those that don’t know October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. The next time October 15th rolls around light a candle in honor of those gone too soon. If you have lost a little one that I’m sure you are already aware of this. If you know someone who has suffered a loss send them a hug on this day.

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Michelle at SomeGirl’sWebsite invited me to submit a guest post this week. She is enjoying some time away with her family and has asked four people to submit guest posts this week for her. My day is Thursday. Today. It’s here. I have to admit that I’ve been nervous about it! Sometimes I spend a lot of time deciding what to write on my blog let alone someone elses! I was surprised and honored that she asked me to take part in this. So, Michelle, thank you for having me!

If you are here at aplaceforthoughts.com because of my post on Michelle’s site – thank you for taking the time to come here. I hope you enjoy the site and that you’ll be back again!

Here is my guest post titled Lifted with love:

It was a beautiful day yesterday. My little guy and I headed out for lunch plans and on the drive home I realized just how beautiful it was. Part of me started to wonder if it was because it was the first time I had been out in a week (little guy was sick) or if it was that I was actually noticing the beauty of the day. I like to think that I notice beautiful things all the time but this was different. I could feel it… (click here to read the rest!)

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March 12th is a special day. It always has been – at least in my world. Today my angel celebrates a birthday. Don’t think by my wording that I think I know anything about the afterlife or angels;  I am just celebrating someone who I love. Someone who loved me and gave me my eyes, my passion, my personality, my life. Someone with strength and courage (can you send some of that down to me by the way?). I hope that my angel enjoyed her time here on this earth. I hope that she was happy in her last days. Heck, I hope she was happy most of the time.

I wonder if she knows how loved she was and still is. I wonder if she knows that I look just like her.

I wonder if she knows that a few years back someone came into my office looking for some information. She didn’t know my name yet and just kept staring at me. She finally said – “I’m so sorry. You just look like someone I went to school with. I used to sit behind her in class and play with her long brown hair – that was so long ago.” At the end of our meeting I gave her my business card and she said “is your father (enter name here)?” when I replied yes she looked stunned, I think stunned is the right word, and she said “I was talking about your mother”. What a small world. When she spoke I could feel love and kindness for my mother so I knew that they had an impact on each others lives. I later asked my grandmother about her and she said they were very close in school.

So, Mom, Happy Birthday – if you never got to hear me say anything to you, I’m sorry. But I hope you know I love you.

Be an angel to someone else whenever you can, as a way of thanking God for the help your angel has given you.  ~Quoted in The Angels’ Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994

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Last week I was surprised to find out that Lori over at mommyfriend shared a couple awards that she received with me!

Then a day or two later LizAnn at forgirlsanddolls gave me one of the awards as well!

Really? Me?!? Thank you both so very much!

I am new to blogging so this was a surprise to me and I feel so blessed to know that you both find value here at aplaceforthoughts.com. I appreciate it more than you know!

From what I understand once you receive these awards you need to pass them along to 7 other blogs that you would like to share with others and you have to share 7 things about yourself.

I’ll try (Really? 7 things about me?!? Eek!)

1) I love tea

2) I am passionate

3) I need to learn how to be more patient

4) I hate going to the dentist

5) I hate when people talk during the previews at the movie theater

6) #5 reminds me that I haven’t been to a movie in a very long time

7) I love music

At this time I’d love to tell you about the 7 people/sites that I have decided to pass these awards along to. (I am mentioning them in alphabetical order of the website name)

1) forgirlsanddolls – love this site! LizAnn shares some very valuable information with her readers and she herself is a doll! Thank you for all of your support, LizAnn!

2) heartbeatnews – Amber Smith is a journalist from my neck of the woods. This is a site in which she is trying to spread the word on cardiac health – SO VERY IMPORTANT!

3) mommyfriend – Lori is so hilarious! Her blog is entertaining to say the least and most importantly she has shown me a tremendous amount of support since I’ve joined the land of bloggers. Thank you!

4) thecookinglady – Angela has some very good recipes! If this site isn’t marked in your favorites yet – it should be!

5) thelittlethings – Julie found me here and afterwards I had to go see her site and now I visit it regularly. I was so touched to have someone come by that I hadn’t reached out to! Thank you, Julie!

6) thesahmproject – Pretty soon another little one will be arriving for this mom! Her blog is great and she shares how she has prepared to be a SAHM!

7) walkingtheland – Jessica – you are the first person that I “met” when I entered this blogging world and I so appreciate the friendship you have shown me. Your blog is great! You are a fabulous mother and teacher. The little ones that spend their days with you are so very blessed. Thank you so much for the support you’ve shown me.

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I’d like you all to know that I just love to visit your sites and catch up on what is new with you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the support you’ve shown me and for continuing to visit aplaceforthoughts.com time and time again.

Ending with a quote…

Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind. ~Lionel Hampton

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Stop what you are doing. If you can. I know we always think we can’t because there is just too much to do butstop!

Close your eyes. Listen. What do you hear? If you hear a very small hum from your computer (like I am now!) then you are going to want to walk into another room.  Walk outside if you can’t find the right spot indoors to do this (yes, even if it’s cold – put on that coat and scarf and head outside for just five minutes).

Take a minute to breathe for you. Let go of your stress. Think of something pleasant. Or don’t even think. Just be. Give yourself a moment to rejuvenate somehow. Inhale and exhale. Take time to do this each day. I know I’m not always good at letting myself slip away from everything else each day but I know that it is important. I’m writing this as a reminder that I need this and to remind others that it is okay to do something for you! It’s good and important for our health!

Ending with a quote and wishing everyone a great day…

We spend most of our time and energy in a kind of horizontal thinking. We move along the surface of things [but] there are times when we stop. We sit still. We lose ourselves in a pile of leaves or its memory. We listen and breezes from a whole other world begin to whisper. ~James Carroll

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I know that many have heard of Oprah’s NO PHONE ZONE. An episode aired in January about the importance of having your cell phone in your purse or pocket instead of in your hands while you are driving. Have you signed the pledge?

As of the time that I am writing this post there are 136,459 pledges that have been submitted. Are you one of them? Do you drive and text? Are you always good about using your hands free device when talking? Is it illegal to text and drive where you live? In NY State it became illegal on November 1st.

If you did sign the pledge – have you been able to live up to that promise? How hard has it been for you to stop texting while driving?

I’ve got to admit that I have been one to text and drive but that episode reminded me just how dangerous it is. Being someone who has been in a car accident I was mad at myself for ever doing it! Now if I have a message I need to send I’ll try to send it when I first sit down in the car; while it is still in park. So easy to send an I’m on my way text then instead of at 45 mph. But if I am driving somewhere to meet up with someone I’ll often pull in and send a where are you text and I shouldn’t because they are driving! I’m taking a chance that they’ll hear the notice of a new text and be compelled to look at it while they are driving!

So many have died because they were driving while texting or another driver was texting. It’s so terribly sad and so unnecessary. We can prevent this.

Oprah said that over 6,000 died last year as a result of this dangerous habit! 6,000! And the number injured? I can’t remember but it was way too many. Oprah also stated that texting while driving is just as dangerous as driving drunk. AS DRIVING DRUNK. Can you believe that? Please do because it is true. Remind your loved ones just how dangerous this is. If you didn’t see the episode; watch it. Erica Forney was a little girl riding her bike home from school when she was hit by an SUV on her street. She was almost there. And now she is gone. You’ll see her parents on Oprah telling Erica’s story. Jordan Cibley was 18 years old when he died. When his father was describing his accident I think he said that Jordan had dropped his cell phone and they believed he was trying to lean over and pick it up. These are just two of many heartbreaking stories.

Tell your children, your parents, your siblings, your friends – help spread the word!

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Lately when I see my grandmother she is always trying to give me something. Something she wants to make sure that I have. Usually it is something that I gave her as a gift at one point. Or something my mother gave her. Or just something special of hers she wants to be sure is left with me. It has now happened the last three visits.

I understand that she needs to do this but it is difficult for me. I am the one person in her life that is a part of her every day. She gets a phone call each day from me and a visit once a week. So I tell her that she can just tell me who she would like what to go to. I tell her that we have time for that. That I can help her go through things and write it down so that she can be sure later on the proper person has them. I remind her that she should still enjoy these things now.

Is that selfish of me? To try to convince her to hold on to some of these things to enjoy them? Because as much as I am saying that for her sake; I’m saying it for mine.

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