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Lately when I see my grandmother she is always trying to give me something. Something she wants to make sure that I have. Usually it is something that I gave her as a gift at one point. Or something my mother gave her. Or just something special of hers she wants to be sure is left with me. It has now happened the last three visits.

I understand that she needs to do this but it is difficult for me. I am the one person in her life that is a part of her every day. She gets a phone call each day from me and a visit once a week. So I tell her that she can just tell me who she would like what to go to. I tell her that we have time for that. That I can help her go through things and write it down so that she can be sure later on the proper person has them. I remind her that she should still enjoy these things now.

Is that selfish of me? To try to convince her to hold on to some of these things to enjoy them? Because as much as I am saying that for her sake; I’m saying it for mine.

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You’ve seen the movie “You’ve Got Mail,” haven’t you? You know, Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. I can’t imagine that there are many who haven’t. I found myself feeling upset, hurt, sad, embarrassed and ashamed the other day after an argument. (I’m sure I could continue on but I might as well stop with ashamed) I said some evil things to someone I was upset with. They weren’t all that nice to me either but when I came back – I attacked! Nobody deserves that! What was I thinking? I said a couple of things that I can’t believe I said. Things that I don’t know I should ever be forgiven for. If I had stepped back from the argument and had some time to breathe I would’ve never said them. Never. I tried to rationalize it a little bit afterwards. Thinking “well I did ask to end the conversation and they weren’t being all that nice to me” but that doesn’t matter. I should have been stronger. A better person. I should have been the person that I would like to be. Ironically, I will be the one to beat myself up about it for a very long time. Heck, the other day I was thinking about something that I said a few years ago and still regret and obviously have not forgiven myself for. I was thinking about the argument later that day and the movie “You’ve Got Mail” came to mind. Specifically this scene:
 —
Joe Fox: [talking via email, to who he doesn’t know is Kathleen Kelly] Have you ever become the worst version of yourself. That a pandora’s box of all the hateful things, your spite, your arrogance, your condescension has sprung open? Someone upsets you and instead of smiling and walking away… you zing them. “Hello it’s Mr Nasty”. I’m sure you have no idea what I’m talking about…
Kathleen Kelly: [talking via email, to who she doesn’t know is Joe Fox] No I know exactly what you mean and I’m completely jealous. When I’m confronted by someone I get tongue-tied and my mind goes blank. Then I spend the rest of the night tossing and turning over what i should have said. For example what should I have recently said to…
[meaning confrontation with Joe]
How come I couldn’t be Kathleen Kelly? Why couldn’t my mind just have gone blank?

But if you remember later in the movie even Meg Ryan’s character Kathleen became that version of herself. Like in this scene, her breakthrough:

Joe Fox: I think you’d discover a lot of things if you really knew me.
Kathleen Kelly: If I really knew you, I know exactly what I’d find: instead of a brain a cash register, instead of a heart a bottom line.
[gasps]
Joe Fox: What?
Kathleen Kelly: I just had a breakthrough.
Joe Fox: What is it?
Kathleen Kelly: I have you to thank for it. For the first time in my life, when confronted with a horrible, insensitive person, I knew exactly what I wanted to say and I said it.
Joe Fox: I think you have the gift for it. It was a perfect blend of poetry and meanness.

I will tell you that there was nothing poetic about my meanness. I know that in situations like this we have to move on and hope for the best but why couldn’t I control myself? So much could have been avoided if our conversation ended about 4 minutes into it. Our apologies have been said but when will I, if ever, forgive myself for the way I acted and the things I said. I think that even in the movie Joe Fox mentions how remorse inevitably follows. That’s for sure! I’m so relieved that this argument is now behind us but I so just wish it never had happened. I wish that more than I can put into words. If I could just go back a few moments in that conversation it could have been so much better. It’s too bad that the good things about you can’t erase the bad, isn’t it?

Do you have something that you wish you could erase? Share it on the submit your story page and I’ll get it posted for you as soon as possible! Or just leave it as a comment if you’d like.

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Monday night I met a friend for dinner. It had been awhile and it was good to catch up. One of the things that she was talking about was how her mind just doesn’t work anymore and how multi-tasking is a thing of the past for her. I told her how I was experiencing the same thing often. Fast forward to Tuesday morning. I took out my wallet so that I could fill out my bank slip and what did I find?!? The credit card slip from the restaurant the night before. With the gratuity and my signature! Eek! Obviously I left the wrong one with the waitress! How embarrassing!

I called my friend so that she could get a good laugh and made her aware that indeed she was not the only one without a working mind. I can only imagine what our waitress was thinking of me after we left and the names that were probably thrown my way! I called the restaurant right away and the man on the phone knew just who I was (so obviously I was the only one who made that mistake that night!) The good thing is that our waitress has a nice tip now and is probably feeling better about our visit to her table. The bad thing is that I have officially lost my mind! 😉

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I’m starting my morning with a nice hot cup of tea – like I do most mornings. I must have it just a specific way. If I go anywhere overnight I’ll sometimes bring my tea bags with me because most other brands just don’t compare. I have an aunt that comes to visit often and she says that I make the perfect cup of tea. She teases that she wants to know my special ingredient. I always tell her that I won’t share. She’ll just have to come visit. Really though it’s just the brand of tea bag, in my opinion.

Isn’t it funny how we can find comfort in something as small as a cup of tea? Sometimes it gives me the time I need to reflect on a nice memory or think about hopes that I have. If that’s not comforting; I don’t know what is.

As a young girl there were times that I was at my grandmother’s house in the morning either on a school break or during the summer. We always had a cup of tea and a bagel together and shared so much on those mornings. When I was at home and it was a school day I’d make my cup of tea and call and talk to her on the phone for 10 minutes each morning. I think that is what started to make me love tea so much.

This morning my mug is an oversized one with a very pretty design. Inside it says live*love*laugh. I have a feeling that the person that gave me this knows just how much a nice soothing cup of tea can brighten my day.

Lately my mornings are spent enjoying this caffeine at home before my little one wakes up for a very busy morning. Not all that long ago I was enjoying my morning beverage at work. I’d bring my nice mugs from home. I’d get to work, turn on my computer, my radio, listen to voicemails and make my tea. Usually I was catching up on emails while having tea – a couple mornings a week my tea would come with me into meetings. Sometimes I already knew that there would be issues discussed that I wasn’t looking forward to but my tea was there. Something to hold on too. It was at times something that would give me just what I needed to not react to something that I didn’t agree with negatively; sometimes it gave me strength I needed to stand up for something I believed was important to my department.

Everywhere you go people seem to have something to drink with them. On television many shows have a café where everyone meets for coffee or tea. Actually lattes and macchiatos are more popular now. On Frasier I think it was Café Nervosa; Friends hung out at Central Perk – those are just two of many. How many movie scenes are in a coffee-house or diner? Too many to mention! There is a reason Barnes & Nobles and Borders opened with large cafés inside. It’s just what makes sense; it’s comforting.

What is something little that brings you great comfort? If you haven’t incorporated it into your day yet today – be sure to – you deserve it!

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Mother & Child

{this is one of those posts where you will learn something about me – one of my “stories”}

The time has come. I am a mom and I have officially spent more time with my baby than my mother spent with me. (She passed away at the young age of 26) I think about the new things that my baby has done recently and all the things that are still to come. It makes me terribly sad to realize just how much my mother missed with me. She definitely got a bunch of smiles out of me and I imagine some good laughs but there is a real possibility that she never heard me say “momma” – it just doesn’t seem right. And to have a child and never hear the words I love you from that child. That doesn’t seem so fair. One of the reasons I always wanted to be a mom was to be able to do the things she was never able to do. And now it’s happening.

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Submission time

I know I just started my blog two days ago but I am ready. Ready to post a submission! Do you have something you’d like to share today? Anything at all? Go to the top of the page and check out the submit your story page. You can submit something anonymously or you can include your name if you’d like. It’s up to you. You tell me. Help me make this blog a place for you too. Thank you for stopping by!

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Starting Somewhere

I’ve thought about writing a blog for a while now. I’ve gone back and forth with the idea for some time. The thing is I was worried that I wouldn’t have something to write all the time so I started to think about just what I wanted my blog to be and realized that maybe if I had a place where I could write when I wanted to and others could contribute as well it would be something more like what I’m looking for. So welcome! Be sure to check out my about page to get a better idea of what I am hoping this blog will become.
 
 

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