Submission #15: Tiring Thoughts

I grow old. And tired. Things change, this is certain. But I’d always hoped
they’d change because of me, not in spite of me. I look at where I was, where I
am, and where I hoped I’d be and realize that none of them are anything what I’d
dreamed. Maybe this is for the best. Perhaps disappointment is the best
inspiration. But right now it feels crushing. Waves of regret are all I can
feel. Regret and disappointment, not only in me but in others. The people I was
surrounded by, they were supposed to be more than this. They were supposed to
make me compete. Instead they stand idle with me. 

Certainly my station in life cannot be blamed on them. As much as I would not consider my success theirs either. And maybe this is the problem. And maybe this is the beauty of it. And maybe I see more than there is. Perhaps I think too much,
dream too often, and act to little. I don’t know, and may never know. I read
once somewhere that the greatest torture a man can endure is at the end of his
life seeing who he is standing next to everything he could have been had he made
all the right choices. Right now nothing could seem more true. I can feel that I
was meant to be more than I am, I can see that I am not fulfilling my potential.
What I cannot understand is how I’ve strayed so far. Everything seemed so
promising.

I speak in ifs and maybes, uncertainty plagues this very ejaculation. As if to emphasize my point I say maybe this is the meaning of life. To never know, to always question, to perpetually seek and wonder. But I doubt it. I don’t think greatness comes to those who question everything but to those who answer it. And I suppose I haven’t come to my answer. But if I had things would be much  less… enjoyable. For now I will bow my head, say my prayers, and carry on hoping for change brought by my hands, not to them. Until then I will persist. I must persist.

Submitted by David

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Submission #9: Christmas Came Early

As many of you know we have had a tough few weeks. Seraphina is still only tolerating half strength feed, she has lost a considerable amount of weight. We went up to Sheffield again and have had to start another medicine called azathioprine which is an immunosuppressant as well as pushing the steroids up to maximum again as she doesn’t tolerate them being lowered.
We saw the ophthalmologist this week who again confirmed that she has a cortical visual impairment (although not too bad) and then we saw our local consultant who looked at a lump I had been a little concerned about in her tummy and confirmed it was an incisional hernia (her bowel has herniated through a past operation incision) so this means another op for my girl to fix it.
Then we had to go to the hospital twice with temperatures so that they could check her blood cell count due to being imunosupressed so they could see if she was able to fight off the infection and have medicine accordingly.
Life seems to be a game of ”hospital hokey cokey” at the moment and the other children are also feeling the strain, particularly the eldest three. Their schools have been good reducing the amount of homework they have to complete and we have spoken to them all and prayed together but it is hard when they ask you why God hasn’t healed Seraphina completely yet.

I have no answers for that… my faith is still strong, but my longing to see my girl healed is too.

Yesterday was one of “those” days. I was looking at the photos and pictures we had taken only a few days ago…Seraphinas 5th Birthday. How my heart ached to see her eat some cake, open her own presents, blow out her own birthday candles…speak and run around like any other 5-year-old girl. She had spent the morning crying with tummy ache, hadn’t been well enough for physio for months and was having more spasms.

I cried out to God …WHY?? Have you forgotten her??? PLEASE show me you still care…that you remember my little girls name!!!

I immediately felt bad about my outburst even though I knew that God didn’t mind.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. Isa 55:8 came to mind and I left it there and carried on with the rest of the day. David had one of his rare working from home days and we had an appointment in the afternoon.

Then, a couple of hours later….with Gods help my little girl gave us the BEST Christmas present we could ask for!

I grabbed my camera phone straight away and tried to capture some of it on film before she got too tired…she had already walked the length of the living room from the hallway and I just got the tail end of her walking here…Im sure you get the idea! Watch out Christmas tree this year!!!

I know many of you won’t agree with this but this is what I believe…

God hasn’t forgotten her…things may not be panning out the way I thought they would, or hoped they would but he DEFINITELY hasn’t forgotten her and I believe this is what he was trying to tell me.

HIS ways not mine….always.

Submitted by Caroline from Seraphina’s World

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Appreciating Patience

We’ve all run out of patience, haven’t we? I know that I have. Plenty of times. The other day I was almost on a frantic search for some. So I sat down to breathe for a minute and decided to look up quotes on patience to help me reflect. I thought I would share some of my favorites with you…

Patience is the companion of wisdom. ~Saint Augustine

Patience and fortitude conquer all things. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The two most powerful warriors are patience and time. ~Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

All human wisdom is summed up in two words – wait and hope. ~Alexandre Dumas Pere

Be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. Live the questions. ~Rainer Maria Rilke

Faith is not simply a patience that passively suffers until the storm is past. Rather, it is a spirit that bears things – with resignations, yes, but above all, with blazing, serene hope. ~Corazon Aquino

I love how a quick five minute break can fill your heart and soul with the strength and hope you need to stand up. Take a minute or two for you today.

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Submission #8: A Book Worth Reading

I had drafted out a few blog posts…but this morning I knew I needed to write about something else today.
I read a book yesterday…well in truth I started it yesterday afternoon and then awoke at 4am and carried on reading. I have almost finished but it has touched me SO much I had to share it.

The book is called “Heaven is for Real” by Todd Burpo.
I’ve read a few books on Heaven, something which interests me not just because of my Christian faith but because of my own personal experience. I know I am taking a risk typing this up, it is something I have only ever shared in part with a couple of people before…but you know, I have said I will always speak the truth in my blog…from the heart.

I was born into a non-Christian family, I’m sure my parents believed in God but it wasn’t something that was spoken about. I had an older sister named Catherine. She had long dark hair and huge soulful eyes and was as fragile as a little bird. She couldn’t run, she couldn’t play ball.

Why? Because she had a very serious heart condition.

It hadn’t really been seen before and to be honest it was a wonder she had survived so long. But she needed a big surgery which would take place when she was 6 (I was 4 at the time). The surgery was to take place at a hospital which had a well renowned surgeon working there at the time..the hospital was called Harefield.
I remember vividly the night before Catherine was to leave for the hospital. I can still see her eyes earnestly looking into mine as she told me as a little 4-year-old that she was going away. She said that she wouldn’t be coming back and told me to look after Mummy and Daddy for her.

She knew she was going to die.

But she also told me where she was going… “I’m going to be with Jesus” she told me ‘”but I will see you again in a little while.” Then she laughed and stuffed her foot in my face saying “smell my stinky feet” and the serious part of the conversation was over.

When she didn’t come back I felt desolate. The operation had been successful but it was too much for her little body to stand and so she never regained consciousness.
I remember it was the summer of 1976. We both had pushchairs and I placed them side by side in the long stretch of scorched lawn and pushed mine forward first a little and then my sisters a little trying to somehow will her back by my side. I remember the aching, the confusion, the loneliness.

And then something happened…

A bright light. I looked up and immediately fell on my knees as the sky seemed to open, and for a few moments, I saw a glimpse what I knew even as an “un-churched 4-year-old” to be Heaven.

I believe God reached out to me in my sorrow and showed me it “was ok” and that Catherine was safe and happy and in the most beautiful place I could ever imagine.
In dark moments after then I would wish with all my heart I could die too, to be with her, but somehow I got through these times (I believe God held my hand through them) and that vision was something that I held onto as I was growing up until finally at University I gave my life to the Lord.

And now I find myself to some extent in my Mother’s shoes…with a seriously ill child who is “life limited.” In this journey with her and my faith which after a bit of a blip is now stronger than ever. When my little girl leaves this place I don’t just believe…I KNOW where she will be going, I know she will be safe and loved and will wait for me. I know her brother is already there waiting to meet her.

I walked into the Christian bookshop looking for a completely different book and suddenly this particular one seemed to jump off the shelf at me. I bought it actually thinking of a dear friend who had lost a daughter, knowing in my heart that God wanted her to read it and that it would offer some comfort. When I began reading it I just couldn’t put it down. Some of the things this little nearly 4-year-old talks about are EXACTLY the same as what I saw in my vision. He doesn’t mention specifically the beautiful rolling fields, the trees but he mentions the colours, the vibrancy and the rainbow coloured horse.

I realize that it’s a Christian book but even if you don’t believe…give it a try. Read it with the simple innocence of a child and guarantee you will be touched by it too.

Submitted by Caroline from Seraphina’s World

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Submission #7: Loving and Letting Go

This post is very personal to me, but I wanted to share this part of the journey to hold myself accountable and so that, if anyone else out there goes through the same thing either now or in the future, that something of what I say may help.
My Children are my world, I love them utterly, completely and nothing they could ever do or say will change that. I love them so much that the thought of one day losing one of them has been more recently more than I could bear. It’s not yet a year since Seraph had her formal diagnosis of Rett syndrome and in that year I don’t feel that as a family we have had time to draw breath before the next hospital visit or the next piece of bad news or crisis.
It has taken its toll on all of us.

For me it has thrown me more recently into a state of exhaustion and..yes I will admit it depression. I am admitting this because I am through with being not completely honest. Purely because of distance it has meant that hospital decisions have been mine alone to make, no fault of David’s, he has had more than enough to cope with being a father to our other 5 children and hold down a full-time and very demanding job.

My faith is very important to me but even that has been tested. I have looked into putting my trust elsewhere, other means of ‘saving’ my girl out of total desperation.

Believe me when I say all other means are futile. There is no magic answer. I have been so exceedingly stupid.
Today I have learnt that the only way I can save her and myself is to let her go. Gods care is more far-reaching than mine, Gods power and love for her more powerful than mine.
The all-consuming fear every time she gets poorly and stops breathing or starts fitting is made worse only because of my lack of trust in HIM who ‘Is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine’ (Eph 3:20)
Today I have asked for forgiveness. I’m not going to say for one instant that ‘yay, everything is going to be hunky dory now’.But what I am going to say is that I have made a decision…to Trust God with Seraphina and to Let Go. Something I haven’t ever before been able to do.

I don’t know what the future holds…but I know who holds it. I believe God knew I would come to this point…because He had already provided someone else apart from Him who understood my fears and who I have spoken to today. They know who they are and I thank God for them.
After I prayed initally…a piece of paper fell out of my Bible. I can’t even remember copying it..but I felt it falling out at this moment quite apt.
I’ll share it with you. Its called ‘When all means fail’ and is by someone called David Wilkerson.

To believe when all means fail is exceedingly pleasing to God and is most acceptable. Jesus said to Thomas, “You have believed because you have seen, but blessed are those that do believe and have not seen” (John 20:29).

Blessed are those who believe when there is no evidence of an answer to prayer—who trust beyond hope when all means have failed.

Someone has come to the place of hopelessness—the end of hope—the end of all means. A loved one is facing death and doctors give no hope. Death seems inevitable. Hope is gone. The miracle prayed for is not happening.

That is when Satan’s hordes come to attack your mind with fear, anger, overwhelming questions: “Where is your God now? You prayed until you had no tears left. You fasted. You stood on promises. You trusted.”

Blasphemous thoughts will be injected into your mind: “Prayer failed. Faith failed. Don’t quit on God—just do not trust him anymore. It doesn’t pay!”

Even questioning God’s existence will be injected into your mind. These have been the devices of Satan for centuries. Some of the godliest men and women who ever lived were under such demonic attacks.

To those going through the valley and shadow of death, hear this word: Weeping will last through some dark, awful nights—and in that darkness you will soon hear the Father whisper, “I am with you. I cannot tell you why right now, but one day it will all make sense. You will see it was all part of my plan. It was no accident. It was no failure on your part. Hold fast. Let me embrace you in your hour of pain.”

Beloved, God has never failed to act but in goodness and love. When all means fail—his love prevails. Hold fast to your faith. Stand fast in his Word. There is no other hope in this world.

Part of My Baptism Verse..because God knew…

”For I believe that neither death nor life,nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the Love of God which is in Christ Jesus Our Lord” Romans 8:38-39

Submitted by Caroline from Seraphina’s World

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