Submission #15: Tiring Thoughts

I grow old. And tired. Things change, this is certain. But I’d always hoped
they’d change because of me, not in spite of me. I look at where I was, where I
am, and where I hoped I’d be and realize that none of them are anything what I’d
dreamed. Maybe this is for the best. Perhaps disappointment is the best
inspiration. But right now it feels crushing. Waves of regret are all I can
feel. Regret and disappointment, not only in me but in others. The people I was
surrounded by, they were supposed to be more than this. They were supposed to
make me compete. Instead they stand idle with me. 

Certainly my station in life cannot be blamed on them. As much as I would not consider my success theirs either. And maybe this is the problem. And maybe this is the beauty of it. And maybe I see more than there is. Perhaps I think too much,
dream too often, and act to little. I don’t know, and may never know. I read
once somewhere that the greatest torture a man can endure is at the end of his
life seeing who he is standing next to everything he could have been had he made
all the right choices. Right now nothing could seem more true. I can feel that I
was meant to be more than I am, I can see that I am not fulfilling my potential.
What I cannot understand is how I’ve strayed so far. Everything seemed so
promising.

I speak in ifs and maybes, uncertainty plagues this very ejaculation. As if to emphasize my point I say maybe this is the meaning of life. To never know, to always question, to perpetually seek and wonder. But I doubt it. I don’t think greatness comes to those who question everything but to those who answer it. And I suppose I haven’t come to my answer. But if I had things would be much  less… enjoyable. For now I will bow my head, say my prayers, and carry on hoping for change brought by my hands, not to them. Until then I will persist. I must persist.

Submitted by David

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Submission #14: Nighttime Prayers

In earlier years, sleep rated pretty high on my list of things I valued. Either hormones or a houseful of children trained me to be a light sleeper. That waking up at 3 a.m. and not returning to sleep until about 35 minutes before the alarm goes off was one of life’s tragedies for me.

It wasn’t until in my early 40’s that I understood the gift of time that was given to me. These quiet hours of stillness gave me the opportunity to pray for so many of my burdens, my loved ones, and friends. Eventually, I learned to appreciate this time. Then I spent a few years sleeping soundly and deeply. Not waking up at all. I actually had to make time out in my day for prayer. I think that may have been harder. I missed that quiet, uninterrupted time with the Lord, but I wasn’t about to set my alarm to change my restful nights.

Lately, I have been waking up again. Early hours. Long, quiet hours. I don’t get out of bed. I don’t grab my iPhone. No night lights and books. I just lay there and tell God all about what is going on with me. I am no longer resistant to this time and I must admit I wonder when I lay down at night if I am going to be awakened. And I don’t dread it.

Lack of sleep doesn’t affect my day nearly as much as lack of prayer.

Do you wake up in the middle of the night and find yourself unable to go back to sleep? Next time you find yourself awakened, pray. See if pouring your heart out to God isn’t the best use of this extra time God so graciously blesses us with.

Submitted by Shannon Coe from Arranged By God

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Submission #13: Removing Roadblocks

I realized something about myself yesterday that I didn’t like. Sometimes, we’ve convinced ourselves that we’ve gotten over something bad. It could be a relationship gone sour, something that happened at work, an illness, a layoff, or the loss of someone you love. At the time it happens, the pain is so sharp that you wonder if you’ll ever be able to fall asleep at night again. But time passes, the pain dulls, sleep grudgingly returns, and you convince yourself that you’ve moved on. And that might not be true.

I have a chapter in my life that I desperately want to close. It’s been the source of a lot of unhappiness over the last several years. On top of that, I received a tremendous gift earlier this year in the form of someone new and special in my life. I still can’t believe my good fortune that this has happened to me. However, my inability to close the book on the sad chapter is a wall that keeps a deeper relationship just out of reach. Climbing over that wall is incredibly hard for me.

How does this make me feel? Sad. Frustrated. Angry with myself because my own weaknesses are coming between someone who makes me happy and me. I think these are all appropriate responses, but if I dwell on them too long, I won’t make the progress I need to make. I can curse myself, curse fate, and throw my hands up in despair. Or I can do some serious self-inspection, show a little courage, face my problems and do something about them. I pray that I will have the wisdom and fortitude to take that second approach.

I don’t think it’s ever too late for us to change ourselves. The day we stop trying is the day we start wasting our space on earth. I know where the warts are when I look in the mirror, and I know what I have to change. I just need to do the heavy lifting. And I think all of us are like that. We all have something that needs changing today. None of us knows how long we will be here, how many days we’ll have to enjoy the good things in our lives, and to remove those roadblocks that keep us from doing that. If it needs to be done, what better day to do that than today?

If you’re facing problems like these, think about what you can do today to start solving them. And if you’re so inclined, please pray for me and everyone else who needs to do this important work in their lives.

Submitted by Anonymous

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Submission #12: Magic Remains

We have so many changes in our lives some are so major we are changed forever. In this change some of what was before hangs on no matter how much we try to not allow it to cross into now. When we really allow it in and allow the full experience of that song, that memory, that pure thought from a time never to reclaim we allow it to fully touch us again.

What it is that we tried so hard to block is a simple smile from a spark of life in our memory that was all the beauty and grace of true and innocent emotion that was so gently powerful the very first time we felt it. By some simple childhood type of magic it remains and the reason we may have blocked it was because we thought it may bring pain. Once allowed it brings nothing but a smile and relieves that spark from all pain and its magic is now magic again.

Mine was a song from long ago that brought a flood of memories and I blocked it from pang of tenderness it touched. Thank you, James Taylor, for I need to shower the people I love with love. The spark of smile is still there. I just needed to get past that twinge.

Submitted by TinManTwoFeathers

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Signing Off

The other day I was dusting my little ones bedroom. On top of his dresser sits a large personalized piggy bank. When he was baptized I invited those in attendance to sign it for him. My first child had one and I thought it would be nice for the second one to have one as well.

While I was dusting, I took the time to look over a few of the inscriptions, and one jumped out at me. It read as follows:

God Bless you,____, You bring so much joy and happiness to my life. Love, ____

Sweet sentiment, isn’t it?

But, guess what?

This relative hasn’t even asked me how this little one is in over a year, how my other child is, or how I am.

She is very busy. Life is hectic. Running here and there. Hardly has time to fit everything into her day. She doesn’t seem to have time to communicate or acknowledge anyone anymore.

I can’t think of a birthday or Christmas that I’ve missed in her child’s life. Not one. I’ve yet to miss her birthday. You wouldn’t believe the number of calls or texts I’ve sent in support of job interviews, checking to see how doctor appointments went, or just to see how they were doing. I’m not saying that I’ve done these things because I expect them in return. I’ve done them because I care. What I am saying is that it is sad how some can so easily disregard those that they claim are important to them.

It is amazing that one who supposedly brings so much joy and happiness to another can be easily forgotten and dismissed. It takes two minutes to pick up the phone or a quick moment to send a happy birthday text. Quite difficult to do when you can’t fit anything else into your day though, right?

But wait…

That’s right.

Facebook.

Two hours or more each night.

She has time for that.

Something to think about, isn’t it?

I think it’s great that you can receive 51 happy birthday comments on Facebook because of all the friends you’ve reconnected with or made online. On Twitter you can receive 18 good luck tweets fairly quickly before heading out the door to an interview because you have 500+ followers and you sent out one tweet.

But turn off your computer for a minute.

Forget about Facebook, Google+, Twitter, Pinterest and your other social media sites.

Pretend it’s your birthday.

Your phone rings. Who is it?

It rings again. Who is it now?

Who are the people that are truly a part of your life? Those that truly care about you?

Are you neglecting them?

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Submission #11: How long does it take to heal?

How long does it take a person to heal? Well it depends on healing from what. Physical injury? Scrape? Broken bone? There is a physiological process that happens with cell regeneration, nature of the injury, cleanliness of the wound and other things. But this can be roughly determined. I don’t have an answer – your physician or specialist would be better equipped to do that. But there is a generally defined timeline.

But what if it’s an emotional trauma? Say, the loss of a loved one, as family member? In which case I am looking for answers to that very question and all I have found is “it depends.” As much as I’d really like to have a timeline of when the hurting stops I don’t think there really is one. It differs from day-to-day and sometimes hour to hour.

As you may well know, we are approaching four years since we’ve lost our son, Lcpl. James Kimple. And while the hurt has eased some, it is still there. Yes, I still will tear up talking about him. Hell, I’m having a hard time not crying as I type this in a hospital cafeteria (I am fighting a losing battle here). However my wonderful bride usually has a bit of an easier time talking about James lately. So if you see us together and ask us about James, usually she will answer. I don’t know why that is. It just is. “So it goes” as Kurt Vonnegut would say. This is not to tell you to not ask me about James. I do want to talk about him – this forum is certainly an example of that – just if you ask me in person you might need to give me a few moments.

At three years you’d think it’d be easier for me to talk or just think about James. I certainly would have thought as much. So at what point will it be less difficult? Hard to say. I am sure there will be a day when it gets easier. Maybe by talking about him more I can “work through it.” Maybe the idea of “working through it” is a bunch of crap. All I can say is that I believe it’s different for different people. Different facets of this process will be harder or easier depending on the makeup and thought processes of a person.

What I do know is that I have a fantastic bride and two wonderful sons to help. I have a good family that helps however they can. There are three awesome grandchildren that carry on James’ DNA. And I do have some pretty cool friends. Whether I am talking to them about James or something totally different I think it all helps.

But a definite end? In a strange way I hope it never ends. I feel that the sadness I feel is in direct relation to the amount of joy he brought to my life. I would never trade that for anything.

Submitted by J.D. Kimple from Riding with my Son

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Appreciating Patience

We’ve all run out of patience, haven’t we? I know that I have. Plenty of times. The other day I was almost on a frantic search for some. So I sat down to breathe for a minute and decided to look up quotes on patience to help me reflect. I thought I would share some of my favorites with you…

Patience is the companion of wisdom. ~Saint Augustine

Patience and fortitude conquer all things. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The two most powerful warriors are patience and time. ~Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

All human wisdom is summed up in two words – wait and hope. ~Alexandre Dumas Pere

Be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. Live the questions. ~Rainer Maria Rilke

Faith is not simply a patience that passively suffers until the storm is past. Rather, it is a spirit that bears things – with resignations, yes, but above all, with blazing, serene hope. ~Corazon Aquino

I love how a quick five minute break can fill your heart and soul with the strength and hope you need to stand up. Take a minute or two for you today.

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Submission #7: Loving and Letting Go

This post is very personal to me, but I wanted to share this part of the journey to hold myself accountable and so that, if anyone else out there goes through the same thing either now or in the future, that something of what I say may help.
My Children are my world, I love them utterly, completely and nothing they could ever do or say will change that. I love them so much that the thought of one day losing one of them has been more recently more than I could bear. It’s not yet a year since Seraph had her formal diagnosis of Rett syndrome and in that year I don’t feel that as a family we have had time to draw breath before the next hospital visit or the next piece of bad news or crisis.
It has taken its toll on all of us.

For me it has thrown me more recently into a state of exhaustion and..yes I will admit it depression. I am admitting this because I am through with being not completely honest. Purely because of distance it has meant that hospital decisions have been mine alone to make, no fault of David’s, he has had more than enough to cope with being a father to our other 5 children and hold down a full-time and very demanding job.

My faith is very important to me but even that has been tested. I have looked into putting my trust elsewhere, other means of ‘saving’ my girl out of total desperation.

Believe me when I say all other means are futile. There is no magic answer. I have been so exceedingly stupid.
Today I have learnt that the only way I can save her and myself is to let her go. Gods care is more far-reaching than mine, Gods power and love for her more powerful than mine.
The all-consuming fear every time she gets poorly and stops breathing or starts fitting is made worse only because of my lack of trust in HIM who ‘Is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine’ (Eph 3:20)
Today I have asked for forgiveness. I’m not going to say for one instant that ‘yay, everything is going to be hunky dory now’.But what I am going to say is that I have made a decision…to Trust God with Seraphina and to Let Go. Something I haven’t ever before been able to do.

I don’t know what the future holds…but I know who holds it. I believe God knew I would come to this point…because He had already provided someone else apart from Him who understood my fears and who I have spoken to today. They know who they are and I thank God for them.
After I prayed initally…a piece of paper fell out of my Bible. I can’t even remember copying it..but I felt it falling out at this moment quite apt.
I’ll share it with you. Its called ‘When all means fail’ and is by someone called David Wilkerson.

To believe when all means fail is exceedingly pleasing to God and is most acceptable. Jesus said to Thomas, “You have believed because you have seen, but blessed are those that do believe and have not seen” (John 20:29).

Blessed are those who believe when there is no evidence of an answer to prayer—who trust beyond hope when all means have failed.

Someone has come to the place of hopelessness—the end of hope—the end of all means. A loved one is facing death and doctors give no hope. Death seems inevitable. Hope is gone. The miracle prayed for is not happening.

That is when Satan’s hordes come to attack your mind with fear, anger, overwhelming questions: “Where is your God now? You prayed until you had no tears left. You fasted. You stood on promises. You trusted.”

Blasphemous thoughts will be injected into your mind: “Prayer failed. Faith failed. Don’t quit on God—just do not trust him anymore. It doesn’t pay!”

Even questioning God’s existence will be injected into your mind. These have been the devices of Satan for centuries. Some of the godliest men and women who ever lived were under such demonic attacks.

To those going through the valley and shadow of death, hear this word: Weeping will last through some dark, awful nights—and in that darkness you will soon hear the Father whisper, “I am with you. I cannot tell you why right now, but one day it will all make sense. You will see it was all part of my plan. It was no accident. It was no failure on your part. Hold fast. Let me embrace you in your hour of pain.”

Beloved, God has never failed to act but in goodness and love. When all means fail—his love prevails. Hold fast to your faith. Stand fast in his Word. There is no other hope in this world.

Part of My Baptism Verse..because God knew…

”For I believe that neither death nor life,nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the Love of God which is in Christ Jesus Our Lord” Romans 8:38-39

Submitted by Caroline from Seraphina’s World

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Soliciting Strength

I’ve been meaning to write and explain my hiatus but I haven’t really found the right words. Hopefully I will do that very soon.

This morning I am writing with a request. Someone entirely dear to me is in need of prayers. Strength and prayers. So, I am asking everyone that reads this post to send up an extra prayer or positive thought. Think of others in your life that you know could use some extra courage and strength. Take a moment to breathe, reflect and strengthen these people as well. Even for yourself. We all need and deserve an extra lift, right? I know that I sure do.

Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees. ~Victor Hugo

I’m going to keep this prayer simple for now. Here is hope, love, strength, and courage. You are beautiful. You are a blessing. You are not alone. 

I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much. ~Mother Theresa

God is with you. Do you see that one set of footprints? He is carrying you. Today and always.

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Sacrificing You

At different times during my life I have often thought about the sacrifices my father made as a parent — especially early on as a widower.  Things that he put on hold because all of a sudden two little ones had only him to count on. Not only was he still learning how to be a father, but he had to learn how to be a mother as well.

I’ve thought about it even more ever since I became a mom, especially when I was facing something difficult. And it came up again recently while talking to someone completely dear to me. We have to do a) or b) for the sake of our children.

Can I just ask – where do you get your strength? When you are dealing with something life altering, something that is a key component to your heart and soul, how do you do this without it affecting your children?

How do you feed them, play with them, read to them without them knowing your heart is hurting for some reason or other? Is it even possible? Is it something you manage to push aside until the hours of the night when your little one is nestled in bed? Do you worry that they can sense something? Where do you find the strength to sacrifice something that your heart needs to deal with for a more appropriate time?

I guess this is one of those things that you learn while going through it but I thought that this would be the perfect place to bring up this topic. And it could also be a good reminder that although we have to be strong for our little ones it is also okay and necessary to take care of ourselves. I found the below quote yesterday and it brought me a sense of peace while thinking of these things that are on my mind. You can almost feel the hope in it, can’t you?

Where there is great love, there are always miracles. ~Willa Cather

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