This post is very personal to me, but I wanted to share this part of the journey to hold myself accountable and so that, if anyone else out there goes through the same thing either now or in the future, that something of what I say may help.
My Children are my world, I love them utterly, completely and nothing they could ever do or say will change that. I love them so much that the thought of one day losing one of them has been more recently more than I could bear. It’s not yet a year since Seraph had her formal diagnosis of Rett syndrome and in that year I don’t feel that as a family we have had time to draw breath before the next hospital visit or the next piece of bad news or crisis.
It has taken its toll on all of us.
For me it has thrown me more recently into a state of exhaustion and..yes I will admit it depression. I am admitting this because I am through with being not completely honest. Purely because of distance it has meant that hospital decisions have been mine alone to make, no fault of David’s, he has had more than enough to cope with being a father to our other 5 children and hold down a full-time and very demanding job.
My faith is very important to me but even that has been tested. I have looked into putting my trust elsewhere, other means of ‘saving’ my girl out of total desperation.
Believe me when I say all other means are futile. There is no magic answer. I have been so exceedingly stupid.
Today I have learnt that the only way I can save her and myself is to let her go. Gods care is more far-reaching than mine, Gods power and love for her more powerful than mine.
The all-consuming fear every time she gets poorly and stops breathing or starts fitting is made worse only because of my lack of trust in HIM who ‘Is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine’ (Eph 3:20)
Today I have asked for forgiveness. I’m not going to say for one instant that ‘yay, everything is going to be hunky dory now’.But what I am going to say is that I have made a decision…to Trust God with Seraphina and to Let Go. Something I haven’t ever before been able to do.
I don’t know what the future holds…but I know who holds it. I believe God knew I would come to this point…because He had already provided someone else apart from Him who understood my fears and who I have spoken to today. They know who they are and I thank God for them.
After I prayed initally…a piece of paper fell out of my Bible. I can’t even remember copying it..but I felt it falling out at this moment quite apt.
I’ll share it with you. Its called ‘When all means fail’ and is by someone called David Wilkerson.
To believe when all means fail is exceedingly pleasing to God and is most acceptable. Jesus said to Thomas, “You have believed because you have seen, but blessed are those that do believe and have not seen” (John 20:29).
Blessed are those who believe when there is no evidence of an answer to prayer—who trust beyond hope when all means have failed.
Someone has come to the place of hopelessness—the end of hope—the end of all means. A loved one is facing death and doctors give no hope. Death seems inevitable. Hope is gone. The miracle prayed for is not happening.
That is when Satan’s hordes come to attack your mind with fear, anger, overwhelming questions: “Where is your God now? You prayed until you had no tears left. You fasted. You stood on promises. You trusted.”
Blasphemous thoughts will be injected into your mind: “Prayer failed. Faith failed. Don’t quit on God—just do not trust him anymore. It doesn’t pay!”
Even questioning God’s existence will be injected into your mind. These have been the devices of Satan for centuries. Some of the godliest men and women who ever lived were under such demonic attacks.
To those going through the valley and shadow of death, hear this word: Weeping will last through some dark, awful nights—and in that darkness you will soon hear the Father whisper, “I am with you. I cannot tell you why right now, but one day it will all make sense. You will see it was all part of my plan. It was no accident. It was no failure on your part. Hold fast. Let me embrace you in your hour of pain.”
Beloved, God has never failed to act but in goodness and love. When all means fail—his love prevails. Hold fast to your faith. Stand fast in his Word. There is no other hope in this world.
Part of My Baptism Verse..because God knew…
”For I believe that neither death nor life,nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the Love of God which is in Christ Jesus Our Lord” Romans 8:38-39
Submitted by Caroline from Seraphina’s World
I can’t imagine this pain. Hugs and prayers.
Caroline,
You and your family will be in my prayers. May God continue to strengthen and heal…He is an amazing God. I believe the hardest part initially is to trust and let go, I’m only beginning on this aspect of the journey myself. My sister was kidnapped and presumed dead at the age of eighteen ~ now as a Mom myself and a pre-teen (teen this summer) girl wanting to do the things I did as a child (as simple as go for a bike ride), I need to trust God and let go. You are not alone! Thank you for sharing your heart, fears and hope with us all. You will have a powerful witness for those around you. 🙂
In prayer,
Lisa
http://lisabuske.weebly.com
Ah that is beautiful. What a wonderful release for you to write this. Trusting in your faith is a beautiful thing. Sometimes those around us are put here to make us stronger, and sometimes we are for them. Collect your strength and push through knowing that what will be will be and you can get through it just fine! Big hugs to you!
Thank you for sharing this with us. I can’t even begin to imagine what you and your sweet daughter are going through.
Caroline – I told you I’d respond when I found the right words. I don’t think that will ever happen so I wanted to write a little something. As soon as I received your submission I started to add you, Seraphina and your family to my prayers. Thank you for sharing your daughter with us. I can’t imagine all that you are experiencing. I just can’t. And although it’s been tested your faith is amazing. Why wouldn’t you be depressed and questioning everything on this journey. Know that you can talk to us anytime. Know that you are loved and supported. Know that you and yours are being prayed for. What strength you have to lean on God; to write this. Thank you for sharing Seraphina with us. Strength, hope and love coming your way. God Bless you and yours.
Such terrible circumstances, but such a wonderful, beautiful testimony…I’m crying for your pain, but so lifted up by your faith. What an example to the rest of us. Thoughts and prayers.
In my prayers. God bless you for your bravery and strength in sharing this post.