Submission #10: Exhausted Thoughts

I am scared.

I am scared of mediocrity, of anonymity. I don’t want to be famous. But I want to be remembered. I want to have an impact on humanity, so that in one thousand years time people will whisper my name in reverence.

There are seven billion people in this world. I am smarter, faster and stronger than most of them. But there are always those who are better. And if there are those who are better than what is the point? If I am not the best, than who am I? I am nothing. I am alone.

If I could find that person, that person that is for me I think I would feel complete. I know they are out there and I am terrified I will never find them.

I am tired, tired of the same old tired world. I would never end it. I am not that stupid. But I want to go. My world is cold and empty and I want better. I want to write and feel alive. But everywhere is the world in which I must live.

I feel dumber every day. Everywhere I look I see people taller, smarter, faster, stronger. I repeat the same thoughts, I know, and this disgusts me. My own human stupidity. Every day I make mistakes. Small mistakes. I want to fight too. But I am too tired. ‘’The solving emptiness that lies under all we are…’’

Submitted by SM

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Loving Possibilities

I quoted Meg Ryan from one of her movies here at aplaceforthoughts.com once before. And I’m about to do it again. 

 

The other day Kate & Leopold starring Meg Ryan and Hugh Jackman was on television and I caught about 20 minutes of it. I watched it once before a couple of years ago and while watching the other day it reminded me that there was a part of the movie that really moved me the first time I saw it. So I decided to look up quotes from the movie to see if I was able to remember what it was. It didn’t take long to find what I was looking for…

—- 

Kate: …it’s a great thing to get what you want. It’s a really good thing unless what you thought you wanted wasn’t really what you wanted… because what you really wanted you couldn’t imagine or you didn’t think it was possible but what if someone came along who knew exactly what you wanted without asking they just knew… like they could hear your heart beating or listen to your thoughts and what if they were sure of themselves and they didn’t have to take a poll and they loved you… 

—-

 

For me this was a get up and grab the kleenex kind of moment. The part that really struck me was …because what you really wanted you couldn’t imagine or you didn’t think it was possible…

 

Throughout life I have often allowed fear to control decisions that I’ve made. There have been times where what I’ve really wanted seemed so far out of reach or impossible. Or that even if it was possible that it would or could just easily slip away.

 

But you know what? It is possible.

 

And then there is this portion of the above quote:

 

…but what if someone came along who knew exactly what you wanted without asking they just knew… like they could hear your heart beating or listen to your thoughts and what if they were sure of themselves and they didn’t have to take a poll and they loved you…

 

Have you ever had this happen? It can be terrifying and completely lovely all at the same time. Some of us don’t get to experience this type of love, some of us do and it’s taken from us quickly, some of us have the luxury of living this type of love each and every day, some of us have a glimpse of it and the fear of the love leaving us or not being real controls how much we allow ourselves to let it into our lives.

 

But I’m going to say it again. It is possible. Have hope. Allow yourself the joy of being loved. Recognize that if this type of love is there that you are blessed. Not everyone experiences this. We only live once. Embrace it. It isn’t too late. It’s never too late. Believe.

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Submission #5: Fear of Failure

I find myself in a very strange position these days. You see, I spent a large part of the last decade getting rather specialized (and expensive) degrees. I now have a Bachelor’s degree in computer science and a Master’s degree in the complicated field of bioinformatics. Following my graduation I got a job with a big player in the pharmaceutical/bioinformatics business and thought I had it made.

Little did I know.

I worked hard. I was the new guy, and I was nervous pretty much all the time.

“Am I good enough?” I’d think. “Am I as smart as everyone else?” I had constant worries that my contribution paled in comparison to everyone else’s. But then again, doesn’t everyone feel this way at one time or another? Aren’t we all afraid of failure?
 As it turned out in my case, it didn’t matter. A few months after I started work, they laid off 50 people, but not me. I wondered why. Maybe I was doing something right. A week later, 25 more people were let go. I was one of them.

I live in a small country, and there are no other companies in my chosen field. Luckily, I got hired to work as a programmer for a fun little software company a little later. Fast forward two years and through some strange twist of fate I am now in the marketing department, part of a two-man team that does all the marketing for a pretty big player in the online flight-search market.

And here is my conundrum. As it turns out, I am actually good at this. And it’s fun. Does that mean I am now a marketer, and that all of my work in school was for nothing? In this new place I am no longer afraid of failing, since I have little to compare to, everything being new. If I make it here, this will be how I define myself from now on, won’t it?

I have now become afraid that I might succeed.

Submitted by Johann Thorsson

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