All You Need Is One

Years ago my grandmother gave me a worry box. I was going through something fairly difficult and this gift was more than a blessing to me. She couldn’t realize just how much it meant to me. At the time my grandmother was more interested in talking about what was happening at the neighbor’s house than anything sentimental.

Inside the box were three angels with a passage written that read: This box is for your worries, the aches within your heart. A place to tuck away your fears, where love and hope can start. So keep this box beside you, and know how much they care, for when you need peace and joy the angels will be there.

Throughout the years there have been times when this box was tucked away in a safe place. At other times it has even been forgotten but earlier this year I came across it on a day that I really needed to. Then the next day someone else came across it. My toddler.

As quick as he could he started shaking the box. By the time I got to him the angels were in pieces. Between lack of sleep and feeling sad I really didn’t study what was left of them because it seemed that they were all broken. I quickly skimmed for the sharp pieces of glass, got rid of them and then I closed the box and placed it on my dresser.

The other day my son grabbed the box again and walked towards me with it saying, “Angols, Angols!” With a smile at the way he says angel, I opened up the box to look at what remained. I gently pushed through the pieces and there it was.  One angel. Unharmed. Beautiful. Strong.

And I was reminded that all you need is one.

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Submission #8: A Book Worth Reading

I had drafted out a few blog posts…but this morning I knew I needed to write about something else today.
I read a book yesterday…well in truth I started it yesterday afternoon and then awoke at 4am and carried on reading. I have almost finished but it has touched me SO much I had to share it.

The book is called “Heaven is for Real” by Todd Burpo.
I’ve read a few books on Heaven, something which interests me not just because of my Christian faith but because of my own personal experience. I know I am taking a risk typing this up, it is something I have only ever shared in part with a couple of people before…but you know, I have said I will always speak the truth in my blog…from the heart.

I was born into a non-Christian family, I’m sure my parents believed in God but it wasn’t something that was spoken about. I had an older sister named Catherine. She had long dark hair and huge soulful eyes and was as fragile as a little bird. She couldn’t run, she couldn’t play ball.

Why? Because she had a very serious heart condition.

It hadn’t really been seen before and to be honest it was a wonder she had survived so long. But she needed a big surgery which would take place when she was 6 (I was 4 at the time). The surgery was to take place at a hospital which had a well renowned surgeon working there at the time..the hospital was called Harefield.
I remember vividly the night before Catherine was to leave for the hospital. I can still see her eyes earnestly looking into mine as she told me as a little 4-year-old that she was going away. She said that she wouldn’t be coming back and told me to look after Mummy and Daddy for her.

She knew she was going to die.

But she also told me where she was going… “I’m going to be with Jesus” she told me ‘”but I will see you again in a little while.” Then she laughed and stuffed her foot in my face saying “smell my stinky feet” and the serious part of the conversation was over.

When she didn’t come back I felt desolate. The operation had been successful but it was too much for her little body to stand and so she never regained consciousness.
I remember it was the summer of 1976. We both had pushchairs and I placed them side by side in the long stretch of scorched lawn and pushed mine forward first a little and then my sisters a little trying to somehow will her back by my side. I remember the aching, the confusion, the loneliness.

And then something happened…

A bright light. I looked up and immediately fell on my knees as the sky seemed to open, and for a few moments, I saw a glimpse what I knew even as an “un-churched 4-year-old” to be Heaven.

I believe God reached out to me in my sorrow and showed me it “was ok” and that Catherine was safe and happy and in the most beautiful place I could ever imagine.
In dark moments after then I would wish with all my heart I could die too, to be with her, but somehow I got through these times (I believe God held my hand through them) and that vision was something that I held onto as I was growing up until finally at University I gave my life to the Lord.

And now I find myself to some extent in my Mother’s shoes…with a seriously ill child who is “life limited.” In this journey with her and my faith which after a bit of a blip is now stronger than ever. When my little girl leaves this place I don’t just believe…I KNOW where she will be going, I know she will be safe and loved and will wait for me. I know her brother is already there waiting to meet her.

I walked into the Christian bookshop looking for a completely different book and suddenly this particular one seemed to jump off the shelf at me. I bought it actually thinking of a dear friend who had lost a daughter, knowing in my heart that God wanted her to read it and that it would offer some comfort. When I began reading it I just couldn’t put it down. Some of the things this little nearly 4-year-old talks about are EXACTLY the same as what I saw in my vision. He doesn’t mention specifically the beautiful rolling fields, the trees but he mentions the colours, the vibrancy and the rainbow coloured horse.

I realize that it’s a Christian book but even if you don’t believe…give it a try. Read it with the simple innocence of a child and guarantee you will be touched by it too.

Submitted by Caroline from Seraphina’s World

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Loving Possibilities

I quoted Meg Ryan from one of her movies here at aplaceforthoughts.com once before. And I’m about to do it again. 

 

The other day Kate & Leopold starring Meg Ryan and Hugh Jackman was on television and I caught about 20 minutes of it. I watched it once before a couple of years ago and while watching the other day it reminded me that there was a part of the movie that really moved me the first time I saw it. So I decided to look up quotes from the movie to see if I was able to remember what it was. It didn’t take long to find what I was looking for…

—- 

Kate: …it’s a great thing to get what you want. It’s a really good thing unless what you thought you wanted wasn’t really what you wanted… because what you really wanted you couldn’t imagine or you didn’t think it was possible but what if someone came along who knew exactly what you wanted without asking they just knew… like they could hear your heart beating or listen to your thoughts and what if they were sure of themselves and they didn’t have to take a poll and they loved you… 

—-

 

For me this was a get up and grab the kleenex kind of moment. The part that really struck me was …because what you really wanted you couldn’t imagine or you didn’t think it was possible…

 

Throughout life I have often allowed fear to control decisions that I’ve made. There have been times where what I’ve really wanted seemed so far out of reach or impossible. Or that even if it was possible that it would or could just easily slip away.

 

But you know what? It is possible.

 

And then there is this portion of the above quote:

 

…but what if someone came along who knew exactly what you wanted without asking they just knew… like they could hear your heart beating or listen to your thoughts and what if they were sure of themselves and they didn’t have to take a poll and they loved you…

 

Have you ever had this happen? It can be terrifying and completely lovely all at the same time. Some of us don’t get to experience this type of love, some of us do and it’s taken from us quickly, some of us have the luxury of living this type of love each and every day, some of us have a glimpse of it and the fear of the love leaving us or not being real controls how much we allow ourselves to let it into our lives.

 

But I’m going to say it again. It is possible. Have hope. Allow yourself the joy of being loved. Recognize that if this type of love is there that you are blessed. Not everyone experiences this. We only live once. Embrace it. It isn’t too late. It’s never too late. Believe.

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Giving Thanks

I just thought I’d post something simple for tonight. Tomorrow is already Thanksgiving and I just can’t believe it. It seems as if it was just August.

During this time of thanks I thought it would be nice if we could all share something we are feeling grateful for. So whether you are reading this tonight, tomorrow or in two weeks feel free to share something that you are currently feeling gratitude towards.

At this moment I am grateful for the random hug my little guy gave me while we were reading books this afternoon. I am also thankful to know that those dear to me are safe and warm in their homes.

Wishing you and yours a Thanksgiving full of peace and hope.

Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart. ~Seneca

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Sacrificing You

At different times during my life I have often thought about the sacrifices my father made as a parent — especially early on as a widower.  Things that he put on hold because all of a sudden two little ones had only him to count on. Not only was he still learning how to be a father, but he had to learn how to be a mother as well.

I’ve thought about it even more ever since I became a mom, especially when I was facing something difficult. And it came up again recently while talking to someone completely dear to me. We have to do a) or b) for the sake of our children.

Can I just ask – where do you get your strength? When you are dealing with something life altering, something that is a key component to your heart and soul, how do you do this without it affecting your children?

How do you feed them, play with them, read to them without them knowing your heart is hurting for some reason or other? Is it even possible? Is it something you manage to push aside until the hours of the night when your little one is nestled in bed? Do you worry that they can sense something? Where do you find the strength to sacrifice something that your heart needs to deal with for a more appropriate time?

I guess this is one of those things that you learn while going through it but I thought that this would be the perfect place to bring up this topic. And it could also be a good reminder that although we have to be strong for our little ones it is also okay and necessary to take care of ourselves. I found the below quote yesterday and it brought me a sense of peace while thinking of these things that are on my mind. You can almost feel the hope in it, can’t you?

Where there is great love, there are always miracles. ~Willa Cather

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Thoughts of Value

Have you ever been in a place where you were trying to put your entire heart into words? You finally get your thoughts and feelings organized to the point where you think you’ve done a fairly decent job of trying to captivate just what you needed to relay. This wasn’t an easy process. It kept you up at night and forced you to feel the weight so strongly that the vulnerability of it all was completely overwhelming. And then it happens.

All of a sudden you come to the realization that none of it really matters.

Now what? How do you put your heart back in place. What can you use to tuck it safely so that it doesn’t feel as if the beating of it is a train going in circles barely on track?

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. ~Malcolm S. Forbes

I found this quote the other day and it made me think about a few things. Those exact thoughts have disappeared by now but I still wanted to share it here. I feel that it works on some level with this entry. I know that I have overvalued something that I am not or that I have overvalued something that didn’t need to be. I also know that I have certainly undervalued beautiful pieces of me.

In an effort to try to safely tuck my heart into place I decided to remind myself of some qualities I possess.

I am thoughtful, caring, dedicated, and loving.

I am giving, compassionate, hopeful and reflective.

I am reliable, sensitive, and heart warming.

I’m not always courageous but am at times and although I am weak, I am also strong.

I am patient, quiet, gracious and nurturing.

I am a dreamer.

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Traveling Comfort

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like you are trying to just survive? Where you feel like if you allow your heart and mind to go where they are drawn that you’ll just spend the time choking back tears and trying different breathing techniques in an effort to calm down? It has been one of those weeks for me. Not every single moment of the week, but definitely much of it.

This morning when I got up I tried to think of a few things to do to bring peace into my day. I took an extra minute or two in the shower, had a cup of coffee while spending a few minutes reading something inspirational and I called my grandmother. Not to talk about anything specific but just to check in as I often do. Then this afternoon rolled around and I felt it necessary to do something else to relax. My little one was napping and I had a few minutes. So I made a cup of tea and decided to write a letter. (Do you remember my post Snail Mail earlier in the year?) I guess I can’t really call it a letter. It was fairly short as it was written on a card. But it was a paper and ink type of note. One I’ll place in my mailbox tomorrow morning, raise the red flag, and two business days later someone will have a surprise in their mailbox. Initially I was thinking how it would be a nice surprise to receive something other than bills in the mailbox, but as I was writing I realized it made me feel good just to sit down and do so. It was peaceful and it was just what I needed to bring an extra touch of comfort to my day.

To send a letter is a good way to go somewhere without moving anything but your heart.  ~Phyllis Theroux

What do you do when you are in the midst of a difficult day or time in your life? How do you cope? What little things do you do to brighten your day?

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March 26, 2008

Two years ago today I was getting ready to head to the hospital to say goodbye to my baby for good. It was less than two days since I had heard the words “honey, we can’t find the heartbeat” and “let’s try the other ultrasound machine” and “I’m so sorry – let’s talk about your options.” My previous appointment went well and although I always tried to prepare myself for the possibility that something could go wrong it didn’t really. I told myself about others that I knew who had suffered a loss and how common it seems to be. I think I was trying to protect my heart just in case.

When I got to the hospital I was asked a gazillion times why I was there. Everyone made me tell them over and over so that they knew that I understood what was happening. So that they knew I understood that my baby didn’t make it and that shortly I would no longer be pregnant. The only person that didn’t make me tell them was my doctor who came in to talk to me before they gave me anesthesia. She did ask me if I wanted to talk and reassured me that there was not a chance this was a mistake; that there was definitely no heartbeat and she gave me a hug.  At least she didn’t make me tell her that I was there so that they could take what remained of my blessing away from my body. The one that I wasn’t able to grow and nurture. I was only 10wks 4days pregnant but it didn’t mean that I loved the child any less than if I was further along. On the ultrasound a day and a half before my baby measured 7wks 2days so that is when everything stopped. Since heartbeats usually start in pregnancies during week 5 and are typically visible during week 6 it means this one was probably only beating for about a week.

When I came home from the hospital and for the next couple days I received some very sweet cards, some flowers, some literature on angel babies and loss for “when I was ready for them.” I was blessed to receive some kind support and some beautiful cards but one stood out from the rest. It’s not that when I was opening my mail I expected it to be like the others but this one was a sympathy card. I knew immediately that this person had suffered a loss. We ended up talking about it via email later on and she was one of the ones who knew just what to say.

My last ultrasound taken at that appointment sits on my dresser in a cream-colored frame that reads I have you in my heart.

To my lost little one: I so want you to know that I do have you in my heart. I see a reminder of you every single morning when I wake up and I think of you often. I imagine you as some angel for someone who desperately needed you even though you were an answered prayer for me. Today, two years later, I still think of you and that is because I always will. Even though it was early and you were teeny tiny trying to grow strong you were loved and always will be. Thank you for being a part of me because even though losing you brought pain to me the love that blossomed in my heart the day I knew you were there will bring me joy forever. And I could never thank you enough for that.

———————

For those that don’t know October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. The next time October 15th rolls around light a candle in honor of those gone too soon. If you have lost a little one that I’m sure you are already aware of this. If you know someone who has suffered a loss send them a hug on this day.

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Calm in your heart

peace. it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work, it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. (unknown)

I’m sure everyone has seen them. The quotable magnets. Now they have cards, mugs, etc. Well, I shouldn’t say now. They’ve had them for a while. Anyways, I have a couple of them. The above quote is one. It makes me think about how I am not calm in my heart. Sometimes I am; I guess. But not all the time. Not all that often in fact. Isn’t the point to actually be able to feel that way at all times?

I often think of the things that I need to do to achieve this and I’m not yet positive whether I have the strength to do them yet. But I do know that I need to work towards them. And more importantly that I am trying to.

Wishing everyone a day full of the things that bring peace and happiness to your heart.

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